YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME?" A RAW LOOK AT TOXIC ARGUMENTS DISGUISED AS LOVE

"YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME?"  A RAW LOOK AT TOXIC ARGUMENTS DISGUISED AS LOVE 

“You say you love me?”

It’s a question I never thought I’d find myself repeating like a mantra whispered in the aftermath of tears, screamed into pillows, echoed in silence after the chaos of yet another argument.

 The kind of argument where love was the last thing I felt  because love at least what I believed love to be shouldn’t sound like this:

 “You’re too sensitive.”

“You're crazy, that’s not what I said.”

“After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?”

“You always do this.”

“No wonder no one else could put up with you.”

You are a liar 

They were right about you.

You will die in pain.

These aren’t statements of concern. They’re weapons and they’re wielded with precision in the middle of what was supposed to be a disagreement about something trivial.  A late reply ,  a forgotten chore., a misunderstanding. But somehow, every argument spirals into a courtroom trial me on the stand, them playing judge, jury, and emotional executioner.

The Anatomy of a Toxic Argument

At first glance, it looks like just another fight. Raised voices, slammed doors, frustrated words but dig a little deeper and you’ll see the pattern the blueprint of emotional manipulation dressed up as “just being honest.”

Here’s what it often looks like:

Name-Calling disguised as frustration:  The argument starts, and before long, I’m being called things that sting: “weak,” “dramatic,” “selfish.” Not just labels judgments on my character.

Gaslighting in Real-Time :  I replay the words in my head, but somehow, I’m told that’s not what was said. “I never said that.” “You’re twisting things.” I start to doubt my memory. my emotions. my reality.

Mocking the Parts I’m Most Vulnerable About : my past mistakes are thrown back in my face, not for healing, but for humiliation. the passions I once shared with pride , laughed at, ridiculed. Suddenly, my deepest self is a punchline.

Bringing Up the past to win the present: The argument morphs into a historical recap of every time I’ve failed, stumbled, or needed help. And each moment is used as evidence to make me feel ungrateful, incapable, and small.

Weaponizing “Love” to seal the control: “I do this because I love you.” that sentence so loaded, so manipulative is meant to silence me. to confuse me. to keep me there, second-guessing whether this is what love is supposed to feel like.

Is This Love? Is this what love looks like??

Let me be clear: 

love doesn’t look like this.

Love doesn’t humiliate.

Love doesn’t shame.

Love doesn’t drag your skeletons out of the closet just to win an argument.

Love doesn’t rewrite your words, deny your feelings, or make you question your own memory.

Love doesn’t say “you’re too much” and “not enough” in the same breath.

What love does look like is messy, yes but never cruel. It's accountability, not accusation. It’s disagreement without disrespect. It’s being able to say, “I’m hurt,” and hearing, “Help me understand,” instead of, “You’re overreacting.”

If someone constantly uses your vulnerabilities as weapons, or makes you feel indebted to them every time you disagree, that’s not love that’s emotional warfare.

The Most Dangerous Part: Confusion

This kind of dynamic is insidious because it doesn’t always look bad. There are good days. Laughs. Inside jokes. Tender moments. Apologies that feel sincere until it all happens again. The cycle restarts. You’re left wondering if you’re the problem. If you’re just too sensitive. If maybe you do deserve this.

That confusion is what keeps so many people stuck.

Because they say they love you.

And maybe they do in the only broken way they know how.

But if love means consistently tearing someone down, then maybe their definition of love is not one you have to accept.

So, What Now?

If this feels like your story, or even parts of it resonate, know this:

You are not overreacting.

You are not “too much.”

You are not imagining things.

You do not deserve to be emotionally bruised in the name of love.

It’s okay to want more. It’s okay to expect safety, respect, and consistency in your relationship. And it’s okay to walk away from someone who insists on loving you in a way that keeps breaking you.

“You say you love me?”

If you have to ask this over and over again, maybe the real question is:

Do they even understand what love is?

And more importantly: 

Do you love yourself enough to stop settling for this?